The 5 Mistakes You Make With Getting Over Your Ex
I’m sharing this with you because I want to let you know that these are all things I’ve personally experienced, and have also kept me stuck in rumination and fear for a long time.
Hopefully, you feel seen and are able to release any shame or embarrassment you might have for making these “mistakes.” I have compassion for what you’re going through.
If you resonate with the points below, I highly recommend: How to Fully Move On from your Ex: Without Feeling Overwhelmed by Fear
1. Staying “friends” and being in touch w/ your ex
You likely have true intent for wanting to be friends with your ex, as I imagine there’s still love for them despite the difficult circumstances. But underneath that is perhaps a deeper fear of fully detaching and having to be alone.
In order for there to be a real friendship, there has to be a period of time where there’s emotional separation. Otherwise, being in touch (as opposed to No Contact) delays the recovery process, as old wounds continue to be reopened, blurring the lines that make a friendship in the long-term possible.
We have to be honest with ourselves when being “friends” is actually avoiding the reality of the breakup and confronting the fear of the unknown with moving forward.
2. Thinking that working out and reading books is self-care
Working out and reading books can be self-care - to some degree, but in my experience, it’s often more of a way to distract from our feelings than it is for emotional recovery.
The tools I offer in my program are somatic (embodied) tools that help regulate the nervous system after having our emotional safety disrupted by the breakup.
On the whole, working out helps us “feel good” in the moment, and reading books can validate our situation, but in the long term, they don’t address the real issue - our grief and loss and the support of our emotional well-being.
I’m not saying to stop doing those things - I’m saying to investigate into tools that bring you a layer deeper, especially if working out and reading books hasn’t really made a major difference.
3. Overusing your friends as a support system and burning them out
Using our friends makes sense. They are the ones who we likely trust the most in these moments. But many can’t empathize or understand the pain of a breakup.
They grow tired overtime when you keep leaning on them and they begin suggesting advice (to push you away) like - “just move on.” or “you’re going to be fine.”
You need to be in community with other people who are actively recovering from a breakup too - so you can be validated for what you’re going through.
Just like any other loss - the key to breakup recovery is knowing we’re not alone, and friends can only go so far with us on this Journey.
4. Waiting for “the day” your ex comes back and energetically holding on
We wait for “the day” our ex to come back because our nervous system is searching for our lost lover so that it can feel safe again.
Yes, our ex could be that source, but it’s an unreliable one, and it leads to more insecurity and emotional hardship when we’re hoping they’ll come back.
We need to take responsibility for our own lives, and if they come back, that’s fine - but we can’t depend on it.
We need to actually DO something to recover from our breakup. Otherwise, we will always remain a victim to someone elses’ choices.
5. Dating right away and getting into another relationship before actually recovering
Dating or being in relationship creates a lot of “feel good” chemicals when we are at our worst.
I get why we would do this, as we all yearn for some reassurance and intimacy when we’re broken-hearted.
But the unresolved hurt from the breakup doesn’t go away. It makes it even more emotionally complicated to recover when someone else is involved.
Our patterns carry over and we open ourselves up to being hurt, or hurting others if we’re not aware.
It’s important to take space (and create what I call a Sacred Container) to actually recover, as you’ll have much more “success” with relationships moving forward.
To do that, continue reading below:
